Crazy little thing called LOVE..

Some days my heart is so full of love that I think I will surely burst!!
Then..... there are "those" days... I'm pretty sure my "love tank has a leak, and it is nearly dehydrated" 
Rusty
Dusty
Dirt
Dried Up
Evaporated  (and basically any other word from Webster Thesaurus of words to chose from)
Love is not always easy. 
No lie. 
No joke. 
We've all met people that try their darnedest to NOT be lovable. I mean, what the heck? Why would you want to be unloveable? Who doesn't love a fuzzy puppy? A smile from a friend? A smile from a stranger? The smell of a freshly bathed baby? The hug from a child, who just loves giving hugs away for free. No strings attached? 

We were made to crave love.  God is LOVE. We were made by Him.  Simple.  Easy-peasy right? Ya think?

If only it were that simple easy-peasy, life would be all sunshine, no sunburn. Chocolate, no calories, spring, no sneezing, ocean, no sand in your pants chaffing the hide off your.. well, you get the picture.  

I just happened on a verse that was so familiar to me, I read through it very quickly and followed with... yeah, yeah, yeah,  I know... the love chapter... ok... I know this one... I did, after all MEMORIZE  this verse in college for a New Testament class. 1 Cor. 13:1-13  It's a long chapter.  Just sayin' .

Back then, it was just "words" to memorize for a test.  A pretty hard test at that. Our professor  took points off for comma's not being in the correct place. Did you put a semi-colon or a period?(at 18, I thought the world was made up of unjust professors with nit picky rules) Now, I look back and think; suck it up and get over yourself. I was so hung up on my lack of punctuation skills, I made the words, just words in-between punctuation.  My result.... I think I made a C on the test. Geez. This should have been my first clue, that I was clueless on the "real" meaning of LOVE.

This morning I wrote this verse in my journal. I tried to be very meticulous about my commas and periods. Then I stopped.  
Looked again. And wrote down the verses without a thought or a care in the world about punctuation. 
I LOOKED at the words... 

I love the NCV version of the bible.  
1 Cor. 13:4-5

4.Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag and it's not proud.  5.Love is not rude, is not selfish, and does not get upset with others. Love does not count up wrongs that have been done.
( that was just verse 4 & 5, and my freshly manicured toes are smashed.)

That my friend, is two verses of what Love is not and what Love is.  It's an eye opening  sharp reminder that it is NOT about us.

I'm sure you can think of several people who proclaim to be christians, and do not resemble anything of verses 4 & 5.  Me too.  
But, that's not my job.  
My job, is to look at Suzanne.  Because, I fail miserably at many of those.  I am thankful beyond belief that God's grace and mercy covers me completely!  

"Loving others" should never be about how much love they show me first or in return.  

Love is about serving folks. 
How can I make your day better? 
Do you need help with that?
Count to 10 before reacting. Really, count to 10, maybe 20.
Let me take your buggy back to the store for you.
Pay it forward in line at the Chick-fila.
Complement someone today. 
Smile. (it doesn't cost a thing)
Say the magic word- Thank You. (also free)
Give things you thought about returning to the store to someone who might need it.
Mow a yard
Loan things that you never expect to get back. It's okay. It's just stuff.
Pat a back,
Send a note of appreciation, encouragement or thanks for just being "real" to someone.  Like a real honest to goodness note.  Paper and a pen. Envelope with an actual stamp. It shows you went the extra mile on the effort scale of life.
Say, I'm sorry.
Forgive someone.
Wave at the "Jesus" man standing on the corner of Worth and Fayetteville.  It encourages him.  :-)
If someone drops something, PICK IT UP and give it to them.
Call you mom.  She loves to hear your voice.

Find ways to love and you will be filled to rim of your love tank!!
Plus, it makes you happy.  I like happy. :-)

Jonah! Jonah! Jonah!

Jonah! Jonah! Jonah!

I feel like Jan Brady stomping through the house, except Jonah's name is shouted out, not Marcia!

Side note:  I was insanely jealous of Jan and Marcia's long straight flowing hair. 

I had wavy hair with numerous cowlicks to tame.  

Just a confession.  (Squirrel ADD moment)

Lent

I feel like a heathen.  I'm 53 years old, and I don't recall ever practicing "Lent".  I've heard of people giving up things for Lent.  

Some give up chocolate, candy, soft drinks, bread, (if you ask me, these are all things to help them lose weight)  I personally didn't want to give up any of those things because, I rarely eat them anyways. It would be meaningless to me.)

Some people give up Facebook.  I thought about that one... nah.  I'm such a creature of habit I would mess that one up within the hour.  Then I would be a "Lent-failure"  That would be too much guilt for me. Don't need the guilt.  These things just weren't for me. (Not that they are wrong for you. Don't make me overly explain myself.) :-)

Then I had an epic idea... I decided to pray about it.  This can be a risky thing.  If you ask... He will answer. 

What if He ask you to "really" give up something that He has already asked you to give up MANY times before. 
Remember that time when you were listening like a toddler with your hands over your ears, shaking your head back and forth singing-lalalalalalalalala to the top of your lungs.  I mean, I've heard people do that...

Before I even got the words out of my mouth, before they were even fully formed in my mind... it came to me.  Bam! 

I got distracted by a grand baby. Easily and timely done.  I'll pray again in a minute. (maybe I thought the wrong thing, and God didn't REALLY mean for me to give up "that".  I mean.. really... God... It's not food,it's not Facebook, it's not even shopping. Let's try again.)  I probably thought "that" because of a book I was reading.

Ok.. let's try again.

Seriously?
God, I can't do that.   
I mean, I can. I think. I'd rather give up shopping. Can't we negotiate this?
What?  
I know, I was the one who asked.

I am giving up.. I am attempting to give up, I will try to give up... You have NO idea how hard this is for me to type.  I don't take this lightly.  I know its an issue.

Perfectionism.  there I typed it.  My heart raced, tears formed, and fear crept in.  Fear is from satan. Leave please.  I even left the "t" in the word "there" in the lower case form.  That is driving me crazy.  Maybe I told you I left that as an error, so that you would know I'm taking this serious.  I can still see it.
(look away)

Trying to be perfect is a problem.  It's something I and you for that fact, will never achieve. It leaves us feeling like constant failures. Very defeated at best. It worries the life out of me sometimes.

Being the list maker that I am (THANK YOU GOD for not asking me to give up my LIST!! That would have been the death of me!!) So,I made a list of things I try and fail to be perfect in.  This is a bit personal for me to just lay out here, I'm more private than this.  But, here it goes.
Deep breath. Ok.. maybe one more deep breath.  I hear breathing is good.

1. To be the perfect wife.  Don't laugh.  I could make an extremely long list of all the things I have done wrong as a wife (I'll spare you that list) We see all the perfect lives on FB and at church and we think:  They are the perfect couple.  Awe.  Maybe you thought that about us. Wait, a min.  I will continue typing when I quit laughing. I do have a filter, and I don't splash my FB page with drama and pics of us when we are at our worst. Everyone has a worst day.  I don't want to see yours and I'm not gonna show you mine.  No one has time for that. 
Back to my list.  I want to be 100% supportive of my husband. I've said "I'm sorry" more than I've said,"good job, sweetie" I am a wife in progress. Maybe in the next 34 years I might come closer to perfection. Marriage is a lot of work, prayer, love, laughter and forgiveness. It's okay to say, I'm sorry sweetie, and I love you in the same sentence. 

2. Trying to keep my house clean. (I have a dog who sheds enough hair to sweep up three dogs every single day.) Dust that leaves all my neighbors homes to come and party at my house.  We must be popular and don't know it. It's okay for my house be dirty occasionally. We do live in it. So, does Gracie.
  
3.Laundry. I want all laundry done and smelling downy fresh by the time they have been removed from the human body and the clock strikes midnight. It's okay for clothes to NOT smell like downy and sit in the laundry basket. Right? yes..

4.  Meals. Healthy perfect home cooked meals. Good grief.  That makes me crazy just typing it. Its okay to fix regular ol meals even when they don't taste so great.

5.  Look my best.  Make up on, clothes match, hair in place, do I look fat? It's okay to be natural. Lord help me to be okay with that.

6. Time management. More time with God, Family Me time, Serving others, then there are the things from the list 1-5. It's okay to not get everything on my list done today. I can't do it all, all of the time.

7. Don't complain.  I want to be a positive person. It's not always easy.  Some "things" and some "people" make you think negative thoughts. It is what it is. It's okay to whine sometimes. Just don't make a habit out of it.. okay? Encourage someone today!! It will make you feel better, and them too!

8. Run Without Stopping. I run because it's something I can do with my husband.It makes me healthier. It gives me the feeling of an accomplishment. I loved the thrill I had when I ran my half-marathon. I was shocked!  I want to run the distance I set out to run without stopping. It's okay to have good run days and not so good run days. Just running some is better than watching someone run on TV. 

I have more... but I'm tired of typing. Since I'm working on not worrying about having things "perfect"  I'm not going to finish my list.

It's okay to NOT be perfect.

Progress 

not

Perfection

So, there ya go.  For Lent, I'm giving up the need to be perfect.

It should be fairly easy, since I'm not perfect.

Deep breath....

NOTE:  I put this up on day two of Lent.  :-/  
Happens.

Positive Steps..... Forward and Beyond!!

Positive Steps I can take to live a Healthier Life

(sounds like a Self-Help book in the Bargain bin at Wal-Mart.)

I don't think anyone sets out to live an unhealthy life.  Mentally or Physically.  It's not like  we wake up one day and we are overweight, lazy, negative, judgmental  and downright snippy-ugly-unfun to be around type people 

I'm pretty sure... it's a step by step process.  You know, like mold.  Mold doesn't just happen.  It has to have all right elements in place.  Then voila ~  You have green fuzzy stuff growing on your bread.  And, I don't buy that phrase,"well, it's okay, you can eat it... just think of it as your homegrown Penicillin."  That's just wrong on so many levels.  Who really does that?  My throat hurts, I think  I'll eat some mold...says NO one ever!  (off the point)

I want...... I want to be a lot of things... I want to change my hair, my attitude, my body shape, my smile, (that joker is crooked in nearly all my pics).... I want...I want....I want...to be content....I want someone to say Bibbity-Bobbity-Boo and it's done.. Whew!  That was easy.

This is that moment, when you realize the chick in the white fluffy flowing fairy godmother get up, is just one big animation illusion that will never happen. That is just messed up.

Since I am the over the top "List" maker... I made a list (actually, I made the list during church.  I was listening, and it somewhat pertained to what was being said.  Let's just call it divine words from above, telling me to "write".  Or it could be just a touch of ADD, that said... "squirrel"  Write something down.)

Regardless, this was what I came up with. Now, this is my list.  Not yours.  Don't take my list.  You can read my list, and even make wrinkled up nose-looks at my list.  You may even delete me.. and I'm good with all that.  I'm just saying everyone has a different list.  So, don't make my list to fit your life.  We are so seriously different.  

I am responsible for what I eat and drink. Ouch.. Okay... that first one hurt.

* Lord, help me make healthy choices. Let the sugar and desserts pass by me with no attempt to hijack those bad boys and munch them down in seconds flat. That visual is never pretty.  Okay.. now, I know I have said in the past.. like.. two days ago... that if you eat TWO Krispy Kream Donuts while they are HOT, and why would you eat them any other way.... they will melt so quickly, I'm convinced they mesh into one combined calorie. This is a false statement. Sue me. It has worked for me in my own little justifiable brain for years. 

I am responsible for my choice of friends.

Lord, help me to surround myself with people who will encourage and lift me up toward You. The type of friends that will be honest with me when I am out of line and if I have lip stick on my teeth. A true friend will hug you even when you are seriously flawed and also tell you that "yellow" is not your color.

I am responsible for my thoughts. 

Lord, help me to keep my thoughts positive and pure.  It's easy to be judgmental to others in my own little mind.  It's still wrong.  I'm not perfect.  Far from it. So if I delete you from Facebook, don't get mad.  I'm just trying to curve my judgmental view of you. Just being honest. Help me Lord, to turn every negative comment into a positive Pollyanna type outcome.  You can always think of something to be Glad about.  Right now, I'm pretty glad that only my family a few friends who are bored out of their minds will read this blog.

I am responsible for my laughter.

Lord, I love to laugh. I laugh too loud, and sometimes when I shouldn't.  But how I love to laugh!! Help me to laugh at myself and not get down when I do something stupid. Help me to find happiness in YOU and not in present situations.  Life can be hard.  Just typing that made me frown. But, it's true.  Life can be hard, but Laughing can make a ray of sun shine through your ugliest moments.Carol Burnett use to make me laugh till my sides hurt.  Harvey Corman and Tim Conway, it just doesn't get any better than that. That was just a public service announcement.  

I am responsible for my time with God.

Lord, help me set time aside to read Your Word. Not to read as a "check" in my check off list... but to read, as building our relationship closer.  I talk to You all the time.  I know, I ramble a good bit. But, You are my best friend. Thank you for always being there to encourage and hug on me.

I am responsible for what I say.

Lord, I didn't like typing that one.  Just sayin'. Help me to guard my mouth.  To think before I speak.I want what comes out of my mouth to always be positive and uplifting.  It's not.  I tend to say what I think.  Note: that's why "I am responsible for my thoughts" is up above. What you think-th, is what you say-th.  That was written in King James-th.

Lord, just bring it to my attention when I say things I shouldn't and to apologies when I should, and stay quiet most of the times in-between.

If you stuck through this LONG blog.. I applaud you and I even feel like I should buy you a coffee next time I see you. 

Here's to 2016 and a healthier and more positive me!!

List and Baptism.

List..
I like list.. 
List creates order.  Organization.
Sticky notes, notecards,  crisp new notebooks. Journals!  Oh my, am I a sucker for a new journal.  
Pens.  There is nothing like a new pen, with a smooth as silk ink flow.  No blobs at the end of each letter.  Just a smooth swish of the pen, and your list is complete.
I can't remember a day in my life when I haven't had a list.

To do list, grocery list, Christmas gift list, classes left to take in college, goals, places I wish to visit,bucket list and so on and so on... The list go on for what seems like eternity.  

My most memorable list, was a list I made when choosing what I wanted in a husband.  I made a strict list.  Some things were non negotiable. This was the best list I could have ever made. I'm thankful for my husband, who fit the bill to a T. !(33 1/2 years and counting)

Since list were such an important part of my life, I used them for my spiritual check off list.

Asked Jesus into my life.  Check
Baptized at a young age.  Check
Read my Bible every day. Check
Pray for my enemies.  Check 
Attend Bible Studies.  Check
Work harder and harder to be the best Christian possible.  Check, and check again,check again... darn.  Messed up.  
Start over.

Trying to be "good" enough to be a child of God, has been an exhausting process.
Trying, and failing,was my daily routine.
Something has to be wrong.  Maybe something was wrong with me?

I prayed an honest, earnest prayer, asking God to just please tell me what He wanted of me.(note: this is risky.  Don't ask, if you don't truly want God to answer that prayer!)

Soon after,our small group went through the book: The Good and Beautiful God by James Bryan Smith.
Smith explained, that we will never be "good" enough for God.  BUT, that God loves us anyway.  He loves me with all my flaws.  I don't have to be perfect, I just have to be "real" with God.

Most of my life, I've given God approximately 95% of my life.  He wanted it all. Here's where He answered my "prayer". There were parts of my life that I wasn't even aware that I had a clenched fist on.  God knew. He wanted that too. Letting go wasn't as easy as I hoped, and just being real, it's not always  successful to achieve.  He knows that too.  So, daily, hourly and sometimes even minute by minute I surrender ALL of me to, God. 

Since I am a list maker, I decided to make a list of  the "reasons" I felt like God was calling me to be baptized as an adult. God revealed many areas in my life that He has been  refining the past few years. It was clear, He wanted All of me, He had it, and He wanted me to be baptized to seal the deal.  I emailed my list to Charlie. His response was confirmation. (plus, I made him cry.. that's always a good sign. :-) He so sweet.

I'm sure I ticked satan off by my choice of baptism because he tortured me all week. He put thought in my mind: what will people think? they are going to think you've been a phony all these years, did you back slide and now you've "found your way back". and a lot of other negative judgmental churchy things.

My response was... Who Gives a Care! True Story.  Like Charlie says, "awww Suzanne, people will think what they want to think". Another true story.
God assured me that this is what He wanted, and so this is what He got. I am a Proud Child of God, and I am not ashamed!

 Nice Little church Bathroom shot before baptism.

 It was kind of neat having one of my previous students, now one of our pastors at North Ridge Church baptize me.*John Voncannon.

Happy Dance !!

From Christmas Past.... 1989

You need to keep a "journal", my mom would encourage.  She would make this comment after hearing the high shrill in my voice rattling off a list of things the kids had done.  She laughed.. I sighed. One December 26, I resigned with sheer exhaustion into our soft and cozy rocking chair, and preceded to "journal."   This is an excerpt from my pen in 1989.    
"Twas the night after Christmas and all through  the house ALL the creatures were stirring including a mouse. The stockings were strung from here to there, in hopes I could find them to hang for next year. The house is all lined with new toys, old toys, clothes, wrapping paper-shredded and torn, store tags, VCR tapes, diapers, and bottles, house shoes, crayons, bells and books, cups, used kleenex, magazines, ear muffs and a purse.  Theres the shirt I must return. No, I'm not a size small! A blue tug boat for Zach, I'm sure there is carpet somewhere.  Big sigh.  I spend all September, October, November and December getting ready and excited for the BIG Christmas Day.  Then, it hits.  The day after Christmas blues.  The tree is now bare, the house is a wreck, my kids all have ear infections along with the strep."

It continues on...  with bits of info of failed potty training efforts for Megan. (Note:  she did finally master this skill)  I know that's good to know.  Zach did finally sleep through the night, and Jennifer no longer requires the sleep she did when she was five.  
We've come a long way.  Sometimes, it seemed like we were dragging a 2 ton cement weight around our necks.  But, we really weren't.  I remember people telling me..."These are the good days!!"  I would roll my eyes, and think to myself, with a half grin on my face, Yah.. come live at my house with three kids under the age of 5, a farm- with all the required farm animals- that enjoyed the grass on the other side of the fence more than "in" the fence. 

Charlie and I worked our tails off, and slept occasionally. We ate more PBJ sandwiches, macaroni and cheese, than could  possibly be good for anyone. We didn't go on dates on regular basis, I didn't have pedicures, Wal-Mart was my shopping place, we didn't recycle trash, we burned it.  It's what we did in the country.  
Our house wasn't fancy, but there was LOVE.  Tons and tons of LOVE.  I didn't necessarily enjoy the stress we endured, nor did I appreciate the "good" times, but I can look back now and see that there were a few things that made us the people we are today.  
We loved God with all we had!  Our kids knew Jesus was why we celebrated Christmas, but His death on the cross, and resurrection, was why we can live eternity with Him. 
Hard work, is just that.. it's HARD. You work harder than expected, expect nothing in return.   We didn't have much, but what we did have we worked for and appreciated.  We weren't owed anything. We didn't expect anything.  
Life can be really tough, but you never stop, you MOVE forward. You treat others like you want to be treated, only better.  Don't say ugly things to people. Learned from our mistakes. Never say never.
We just took one day at a time, that turned into weeks, months and now years later.
Charlie and I are beyond blessed with our kids, but what really makes us do the silly-happy dances-with goofy voices, and faces are:  Savannah, Sam, Mason, Stella, Reid, Jaxon and Gavin.
God has blessed us to much!  

Enjoy the Little Things in Life, For One Day You'll Look Back and Realize They were the BIG things.

 Merry Christmas!!

God, Me and Billy

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Coffee's ready.

Deep breath. Time to rise, and I'll shine after a shower.

I gather my bible, devotion, pen,notecards and coffee. I'm ready. I've become somewhat routine.  I'm good with that.

I curl up in my comfy chair, Gracie at my side as always. Piping hot coffee on the end table. Its fragrance begs for one sip before I begin.

     I open my Billy Graham devotion book Hope for each day; and I imagine Rev. Graham sitting in the chair next to me. With his coffee in hand, we smile, and read a section from the Bible and discuss what it means and how to apply it to this crazy life of today. I imagine his voice as I've heard it many times on television, soft, kind, with a North Carolina southern drawl, but complete with a confident matter a fact tone about the absolutes of God's word. He would sip his coffee, cross his legs, bend slightly forward and listen as I read aloud.

     On this particular morning our devotion was in Jeremiah 31:3.  "I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you."   He went on to describe the depth of God's love for us.  Even if we were standing so deep in sin at the gates of hell, that God still loved us with His everlasting love! The proof? Jesus.
     I was so moved by his examples, and yet another promise from God, that I decided to look the verse up in my bible, to underline and make a note. (This is not uncommon for me.  I love writing and documenting in my Bible all that God has shown me and to jot a note of "thanks" to my Lord, when he opens my eyes to more of His promises.) He is so good.
    So, you can imagine my confusion when I opened my Bible and I read:

1This is what the Lord said to me: “Go and buy yourself a linen undergarment and put it on, but do not put it in water.”2So I bought underwear as the Lord instructed me and put it on.

3Then the word of the Lord came to me a second time: 4“Take the underwear that you bought and are wearing, and go at once to the Euphrates and hide it in a rocky crevice.” 

Hummm... Oh,Billy, Billy, Billy. I think something is not quite right.  Honestly, I was at a loss of words.  Ok.. I am reading from the HCSB.  But, I don't think the wording would be that different. So, I close my Bible.  Look at the verse in my devotion book.  Reread.  Open my Bible again.  And there I am.  God telling me to go buy underwear.  I'm thinking, maybe this is a sign to go to Victoria Secrets.  Could be. But, I was really confused on why He would ask me to put them on, but don't put them in water, then later take them off and go hide them in a rocky crevice.

For a third time ( note, I am a little slow in the morning with just a sip or two of coffee) I closed my Bible.  Reread what Billy wrote, and opened my Bible again.  This time it hit me!!  I had turned to Jeremiah 13:3.  NOT Jeremiah 31:3

Well, I'm sure if Billy had really been sitting next to me, he and I would have had a good laugh. I would refill his coffee cup and laughed again at the thought of hiding my underwear in a rocky crevice.

I read Jeremiah 31:3 again, smiled and felt comforted with the everlasting Love that God has for us.

I thanked God for His Love and for starting my day with a chuckle.  God does have a sense of humor.